It’s been a while since I finished writing and publishing something. I would love for this to be because I have an exciting thing to announce that I’ve been painstakingly working on for the last however many months.
But I don’t (at this point at least). I have personally nothing to add to the cesspool. (My wife does, though, and you should go to her new website, yay!)
It’s not like I’ve felt no emotions or accomplished nothing in the past year. I’ve gone through a lot — my family has gone through a lot. I moved twice, settled twice, changed roles at my job, put out an album of music. I’ve felt anxiety, rage, excitement and joy through all of it. But none of it seems worth sharing.
Why is that?
I’ve also noticed my unwillingness to share things on social media platforms. I even had to set up a daily habit reminder (in an app called Streaks) to remind me to post a photo at least a few times a week.
Am I depressed? Maybe I’m depressed. Maybe I’m the old soul my wife keeps telling me I am. Mostly it never feels genuine. Except it is — I have real joy that I feel, but usually it’s in small quirks that my wife and I share. The occasional lyrical idea that comes to mind and gets written down but never gets seen by anyone but myself and Apple’s servers. The most public things I do currently are this obscure blog and my day job work, which is conventionally sexy.
I don’t get off on winning. I get off on originality. Why is it so hard to find that? Am I just too risk-averse to go look for it?
Do people who actually share also exhibit these same feelings? What is the hurdle one must jump over to get past this feeling?
Do I just feel a need to individualize myself? I hate the idea of thinking that I’m a snowflake, but I think I feel awful and not worthy of anyone’s attention because I’m not a snowflake.
You’ve probably seen a ton of #content appearing on your various social media feeds lately offering inspirational stories, Life Hacks and general tips that might make you a better person. It might not, but at least it’s yet another new thing to try at some point in your miserable life-in-need-of-constant-stimulation-and-improvement.
But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.
You clicked on this post because I wrote a highly-targeted, urgent, actionable title that caught your eye. I got you with a trope. You idiot.
I, however, am an influencer. And I would like to influence you. Did you know that the following people employed tactics to lead successful lives?
Most of the other writers on Medium
You probably did learn this by reading or hearing about it somewhere else. But I don’t care about that. I want you to think of me and this post next time you think about any of those famous, successful people. I want you to consume my #content and subscribe to my #newsletter and buy my endorsed #products, so I will inject myself into your life wherever and however I can. You will thank me for whatever Life Hack or tactic or change you made to your life, and consuming all that I spew is the first step.
So, to recap:
You are basically a massive failure until you follow all the points I lay out below.
1. Like and recommend this post and all my other Medium posts.
You might have read dozens, even hundreds of tips, posts, articles or even novels about what you can do to improve your life. But before recommending any of those, recommend my juicy content first.
2. Tell all your friends and followers to also like and recommend all my Medium posts.
Write your own content on Medium where you link to this article and generally reference my wise words and/or expertise on a field I totally have credibility writing about.
But what about the other social networks, you might ask? Yeah, share this post there too. It’s just more content for your friends and followers to digest. But it’s content YOU endorsed.
3. Follow me on every possible social media network & channel on which you can find me.
If you’re not on a network…well, get on it, dammit. I may or may not have profiles on the following sites:
various Slack channels
When in doubt, assume I have a profile there. Follow and watch me as I grow my following of minions!
4. Click on every paid advertisement you see that has my name and/or face on it.
I’m not just talking about the sponsored posts on BuzzFeed, Medium, etc. that I clearly paid for to get your attention; I’m also talking about Facebook ads. I even have an in at Forbes who hooked me up with advertising there — you know the 3 second ad you see every time you open up a Forbes article? You might start to see me there. Click on me there. I’ll make some money and burn my image into your brain some more.
I also have some sponsored content on ESPN. I don’t even like sports.
But I LOVE developing my brand shamelessly.
5. Subscribe to my newsletter (because of course I have one) and read it, every single time you receive it, to completion.
Because I know how much you love and value every single email in your fucking inbox. You might already be subscribed to the newsletters of various other writers, marketers and influencers — so what’s another?
Also make sure to click every link in the email several times.
Me, me, me. This is all about me, and not at all about you or your inbox or your attention span.
6. Praise my success with me.
Once this post and my various social profiles reach a certain amount of attention, I will write about it. I will convey to the world how I did it, how you helped me, and what my next steps are going to be.
Then, you can read that and repeat the 6 steps I’ve laid out in this post.
Did you like what you just read? Have you not followed me yet on all my social media channels? If not, it is the single most important thing you can do as a living, breathing adult. Click on this link and this link and that link, and maybe this link too.
Special thanks to all the tropes that made this satire possible! Sorry, I got frustrated this week with #content. This is not representative of ALL inspirational writing, just a li’l joke about writing that’s dishonest, contrived and/or pandering for the sake of marketability.
Also, sorry that I have to make that clear as to not inadvertently offend anyone.